10 Lies Every Biker Tells (And What They Actually Mean)

Every biker lies. Not the big kind, the small, load-bearing kind that keeps marriages, garages and group rides running. "It was only a couple hundred in parts." "I'll be home by dark." "I'm just going to look at it, I'm not buying." If you ride, you have told at least half of these. If you love someone who rides, you have heard all ten. Here are the lies bikers tell most, translated into what they actually mean, so everybody can stop pretending and get back to riding.

What are the most common lies bikers tell?

They fall into three buckets: lies about money, lies about time, and lies about safety. Money lies protect the bike budget. Time lies protect the ride. Safety lies protect the feelings of whoever is waiting at home. Below is the full lineup, starting with the classics.

1. "It was only a couple hundred bucks in parts."

Translation: It was a couple hundred bucks per part. The pipes were "a couple hundred." The tune to make the pipes run right was "a couple hundred." The new air cleaner, the bar risers, the grips that matched the risers, the mirrors that matched the grips. Nobody has ever bolted one thing onto a Harley and stopped there. The bike itself is the cheapest part of owning a bike.

2. "I'll be home before dark."

Translation: I will be home before dark, somewhere. Possibly a different time zone. The plan was a two hour loop, but the road kept going, a buddy texted about a bar with a lot full of bikes, and the sunset from the overlook was too good to pass up. Dark is a suggestion, not a deadline.

3. "I'm just going to look. I'm not buying anything."

Translation: I already picked out the color. Nobody drives to a dealership on a Saturday to look. You go to a dealership to negotiate with yourself in public. The moment you sit on it and the salesman says "they only made a few in that color," it is over.

4. "I don't need a windshield. Real riders don't use windshields."

Translation: I have not yet ridden 400 miles into a headwind. Every rider who swears off windshields eventually takes one long trip with a buddy who has a batwing fairing, watches him step off the bike fresh as a daisy while they look like they got hit with a leaf blower for six hours, and quietly orders a windshield that week.

5. "I only ride on nice days."

Translation: I define "nice" very loosely. Forty degrees and dry is nice. Ninety-five and humid is nice. Forty percent chance of rain is nice because that means sixty percent chance it is not. The only weather that keeps a real biker off the road is ice, and even then, some of you are checking the radar at 6 a.m.

6. "I never speed. I just keep up with traffic."

Translation: Traffic was going 85. There is no biker alive who has not, at some point, looked down at the speedometer on an empty stretch of highway and thought "huh." The bike wants to go. You were merely being polite to the bike.

7. "I'm going to garage it this winter and take my time on the rebuild."

Translation: It will sit under a cover with the primary half off until the first 60 degree day in March, at which point it will be reassembled in a panic in one weekend. Every winter project starts with a torque wrench and a plan and ends with a bag of leftover bolts labeled "probably fine."

8. "That noise? It's always made that noise."

Translation: It started making that noise on Tuesday and I am scared to look. There is an entire branch of biker psychology built around turning the radio up. If the sound goes away when the clutch is pulled in, it is fine. If it does not, it is also fine, until it is not.

9. "I'm not one of those guys who talks about their bike all the time."

Translation: Ask me anything about my bike. The person who says this will, within four minutes, tell you the year, the mileage, the cam they put in it, and the story about the deer outside Deadwood. Then they will show you a photo. Then a video. Then the photo from before the pipes.

10. "This is my last bike."

Translation: This is my last bike until the next one. Every biker has said this at least three times. The last bike is like the last beer, technically possible, rarely observed. The garage has room for one more if you move the lawnmower.

How do you translate biker lies at a glance?

Keep this handy. Tape it to the fridge if you have to.

What the biker says	What the biker means	Lie category
"A couple hundred in parts"	Do not check the credit card statement	Money
"Home before dark"	Home before dark, eventually	Time
"Just looking"	Already picked the color	Money
"I only ride on nice days"	Anything above freezing is nice	Safety
"Keeping up with traffic"	Being polite to the bike	Safety
"Always made that noise"	Started Tuesday, radio is louder now	Safety
"This is my last bike"	Until the next one	Money

Why do bikers tell these lies in the first place?

Because riding is not really a hobby, it is a relationship, and every relationship has its little diplomatic fictions. The money lies exist because a motorcycle is the one purchase that keeps purchasing. The time lies exist because the whole point of a ride is that it does not have an ending scheduled. The safety lies exist because the people who love us worry, and "I keep up with traffic" is kinder than the truth.

None of these are malicious. They are the grease that keeps the whole machine turning. And deep down, whoever is hearing the lie usually knows. Your spouse knows the pipes were not a couple hundred. Your buddy knows you are buying the bike. Your mechanic knows it did not always make that noise. Everybody plays along, because the alternative is a garage with nothing in it.

Frequently asked questions about biker lies

What is the most common lie bikers tell?

"It was only a couple hundred in parts" wins by a mile. It gets told after every trip to the dealership, every parts order, and every swap meet. Close runners-up are "I'll be home before dark" and "this is my last bike."

Do bikers really spend that much on parts and accessories?

Yes. Between pipes, tuners, air cleaners, seats, bars, lighting and luggage, it is common for a rider to put thousands into a bike over the years they own it. The individual purchases feel small. The total never does.

Why do bikers say "I only ride on nice days"?

It reassures family that the rider is being careful. In practice, bikers have a very generous definition of "nice," and anything without ice on the road usually qualifies. Cold weather gear exists for a reason.

Is "keeping up with traffic" actually a legal defense for speeding?

No. Going with the flow of traffic is not a legal excuse in any state. It is a story bikers tell themselves, and occasionally a trooper, with mixed results.

What is the best funny biker t-shirt for someone who tells these lies?

Anything that says out loud what they will not. "I Ride So I Don't Choke People" and "Motorcycles Make Me Happy... You Not So Much" are two of our best sellers for exactly this reason.

Ready to stop lying and start riding?

You do not have to give up the lies. Just be honest on your shirt. Skull Society's funny biker t-shirts are designed by riders, printed in the USA, and built to say what you are thinking before you have to. Browse the full lineup and find the one that tells your truth.

Shop Funny Biker T-Shirts

Got a lie we missed? Tell us in the comments. We promise not to tell your spouse.